Dear Diary: A Miscarriage :(

These past week has been a nightmare, bleeding and checking out your symptoms and finally being able to confirm that I have indeed miscarried. But knowing gave me the relief, gave me the closure that I needed, helps me to move on. I am writing this post so that I will be able to also help other pregnant woman who are also confuse. I remember how I scanned the internet for answers and reading articles helped me a lot to configure that the symptoms I had are signs of miscarriage.

Firstly, my signs of pregnancy are as follows:

• Delayed period
• Positive result in pregnancy test
• Morning sickness (e.g. throwing up)
• Sore breast
• Feeling tired easily

Then the stages of my miscarriage after a week knowing I'm pregnant are as follows:

• Spotting & Bleeding - When my spotting started, it was still quite a few that I can only used up 2 panty liners in a day. It went like that for two days. I was working and my trip was coming up that it was not an option for me to take leave. I did visited the doctor on the third day, they did ultrasounds but they cannot confirm yet if it's going to be a successful pregnancy or it will go to miscarriage. They told me that different women go through different stages. The OB told me not to travel because of the risk, and so I did not. During the ultrasounds, they can still the sac. One day when I went to the toilet to pee, there was a huge blood clot that came out. I was really scared at that time and I wondered if it was the fetus already. 
• Dropping HCG - I made my research about the HCG. It means Human Chorionic Gonadotropin or the hormone that produced during pregnancy. The doctors here in Hong Kong did not measure my HCG at all and they also did not gave me any medicine, nor recommended bedrest. I was feeling anxious so I decided on my own to inform my workplace that I am going to work from home and they agreed. How did I know my HCG is dropping? I purchased a Clearblue pregnancy kit which can measure how many weeks you are. Remember that your HCG must be increasing and not dropping when you're pregnant. Here's a HCG table I found online:

Clearblue pregnancy kit that shows I was 2 - 3 weeks pregnancy from conception

Two days later I tested again and it shows I'm only 1 - 2 weeks pregnant from conception. The number of weeks reduced means my HCG was dropping. 

• No more morning sickness and breast feels normal. I just started feeling I am not pregnant anymore. 

Finally I got it confirmed by the doctor that the sac is no longer in my uterus. The doctor also showed me a lining in my uterus that it has been a complete miscarriage so I don't need any further operation. They advised me to use contraceptives first for the next 1 - 2 months, sexual intercourse is still okay. 

I really don't know how to avoid a miscarriage. But maybe having a complete rest during the first three months of the pregnancy will help. Don't do any exercise at all! The baby was not attached yet at that point. Don't even think about the problems, do not worry and stress yourself. I still can't help but blame myself because I did not even tried to avoid those things. A planned pregnancy is still better, be healthy. When you're trying to conceive, start taking Follic Acid.

It has been truly a saddening experience. I had the feeling of cluelessness of what to do next with my life. When I found out about the baby, I was feeling very motivated, my husband and I were planning a lot about the future. A support system is very important at these times. I was lucky to have colleagues, friends and family that helped me a lot with their kind words. My husband has been awesome as he was with me throughout this journey and he never made me felt I was alone. I also saw the pain in his eyes when he learned about what happened. 

And now we're trying to move on. I will be back in the office this Monday and I am already planning for my next projects and travels. There is time for everything, sometimes it is best to continue moving forward.